Who You Listen To Matters 11-29-25

This morning, waking up with recent conversations running through my head, I am reminded that who you listen to matters. Who are you listening to? To which voices are you giving space in your head?

I was reflecting on my growing up years, looking at who I gave credence and attention to – and what the results were at different times in my life. More often than not, when I listened to people my own age at the time, my outcomes were not as beneficial as when I listened to more “seasoned” advice from people who had lived a little more of life. I don’t believe this is accidental or rare, because it’s not only me, it’s not even only in the 21^st century. This is a story as old as time.

In 1 Kings chapter 12, King Solomon had died and his son Rehoboam was taking over the rule of all of Israel. As Rehoboam goes to Shechem to be crowned, Jeroboam and an assembly of men throughout Israel came to him to ask for a “lighter burden” on the people than his father had done. In response to Jeroboam’s request, Rehoboam tells them to come back in 3 days and he will give them an answer. He seeks an answer from his father’s advisors, old men who had been in the court and heard much from this wisest of kings. They advised Rehoboam to treat these people with gentleness and deference. “If you...serve them and grant their request...then they will be your servants forever.” (v. 7) But then Rehoboam asks “the young men who’d grown up with him” (v. 8) and gets a very different answer. From their prideful youth, they advise him to respond, “...My father chastened you with whips, I will chastise you with scorpions” (v.11). The results were about what you’d expect. The ten tribes cried out, “what portion do we have in David? We have no inheritance in the son of Jesse!” and they seceded from the nation, and left the tribes of Judah and Benjamin on their own as the nation was split into Israel and Judah. The ensuing decades throughout 1 and 2 Kings and 1 and 2 Chronicles showed what happens when things that were united split apart over pride and miscommunication.

I’ve seen this myself many times over the years with my parent’s and others’ divorces. My mom getting advice from embittered divorcees when she went back to school for her GED and college degrees – women who’d “thrown off the shackles” of marriage, sharing their venomous resentment and discontent, unhealed from their own traumatic experiences, showering others with acid rain-like comments, that trickled down from parents to children. My dad, I’m sure, was nursing his own resentments and sense of entitlements, not listening to wiser, successfully married counsel in how to be a better husband. What would have happened if my mom and dad had accepted more “seasoned” advice from people whose marriages had gone through difficult periods but had made the needed changes, had stuck it out, being counseled and supported in changing the trajectory of their day to day communications?

I noticed something else this morning, that I hadn’t considered earlier. When we look at King Rehoboam, we might think that he was too young to know better, since it seems a lot of kings inherit their father’s throne at young ages. Josiah for example, was only 8. But looking at Rehoboam’s age from 1 Kings 14:21, he wasn’t young – he was 41! These days we consider 41 to be a pretty solid age for sound decision making! We seem to default to seeing teens and early 20’s as those we’d accuse of being less thoughtful about their decisions. But that doesn't track statistically these days for divorce. A quick online search shows the median age for divorce right now is 30 for men and 39 for women, dropping from “historic highs” of 43 for men and 41 for women in 2023. 30’s and 40’s seems to be the trouble spot for hitting this particular breaking point.

But maybe it doesn't have to be. What if those of us who have been married, who have been through these same tough spots where choices were made, responses were not optimal, fallout has happened and outlook looks bleak, chose to do things differently? What if, the parents and grandparents that are still together, still LIKE to be together, become more pro-active about authentic conversations around conflict resolution? About the rubber-meets-the-road pressures of what it looks like when the other person just doesn’t “get me” anymore?

I want to be clear – I’m not talking about abuse. There are times when family members are in danger from one spouse who won’t listen and isn’t open to changing. I’m talking about growing apart, not liking the other person’s whatever anymore, having spent so much time at the job, with the kids, in health issues, with hobbies, that you don’t feel like it’s worth the effort to do the work of growing back together?

I recently heard a clip from Sheila Walsh talking about when her marriage was failing and she was “done”, didn’t want to work it out, but went for “one more” counseling session. The counselor said he’d asked someone who his favorite person on the earth was and he said “My tailor”. In response to this surprising answer, they were asked , “Why your tailor?” They said, “because each time I go, he takes fresh measurements.” Sheila said her husband asked if she would be willing to “take fresh measurements”… and years later, they are happily married again, and so grateful they tried – actually put in the work - one more time to bring restoration and healing to one another.

According to dozens of healthy marriage resources, from Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage, to XO Marriage (formerly Marriagetoday.com), to Focus on the Family and many others, you CAN have restoration in your marriages and avoid the pitfalls and heartache that happens AFTER the divorce decrees are signed. It is possible to have the marriage of your dreams with spouses you’ve grown apart from or had issues with. Yes, it takes restorative and pro-active effort. But take it from someone who went there, did that, both as a child, an adult daughter, and a 41 year-married (looks like 41 is the number for today!), 62-year-old wife… it’s possible! Trouble spots and season in our lives CAN be worked through and “times of refreshing” can come after what seems like a long drought of comfortable emotions. Be encouraged. Seek seasoned advice. There are people out there who can absolutely attest after multiple decades of marriage and some done and overdone “dry spells”, you can be in a refreshing waterfall marriage – with the same person you thought some not nice things about not that long ago. Who do you know that you might be able to have some authentic conversations with? Who could be some “seasoned”, Solomon’s advisors to you? Maybe today is a good day to find out...