The "Dings" in Marriage are Important

Mark Gungor "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage"

Waking up this morning , I have two things going off in my brain: Phil Wickham’s song, “The Battle Belongs to You” and a narrative about marriage. Years ago when a local church we weren’t attending offered a marriage seminar by Mark Gungor called “Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage”. Years ago, Steve and I went to both the Friday night and the all day Saturday sessions – and it changed the trajectory of our marriage. I know, it sounds like I’m being “extra”. But you can check it out on You Tube now and see what I’m talking about. Mark Gungor is a pastor. His style can best be described as “over the top”. He’s animated, talks super-fast (which HE attributes to being Puerto Rican), has ADHD, is bald, has a thing about blingy shoes and could double any day of the week as a stand up comedian! All this to say that this marriage seminar was something we both literally laughed our way through AND got powerful, truth-filled insights into how to make any marriage begin to thrive, even if it feels like it’s on life-support right now. It was – and is – a VERY timely resource to almost instantly improve the second most important relationship in our lives.

Besides his animated delivery of “The Tale of Two Brains” (seriously, look it up on You Tube!), the part that stood out to me, even all these years later, is the point system. He explained that by serving one another, in really basic, easy-to-do ways, we build up “points” with one another. He gave multiple examples, from bringing home a rose for your wife to let her know you were thinking about her – “ding!” there’s a point! - to dumping the trash – “ding!” another point! He also told us the importance of acknowledging those points. The way he described his inner reaction when his wife takes the time to hold his face in her hands and says “thank you so much honey – you loaded the dishwasher!” - “ding!” and the glee on his face when he grins ear-to-ear and looks for more stuff to do to have her say she’s proud of him, appreciates him, loves him… was both funny and had us both in reflective mode, looking at our own relationship. The importance of showing consideration and honor cannot be understated – and Mark Gungor can never be accused of being understated! LOL

As I wake up thinking about that this morning, I remember yesterday, as part of our “Prayer Dock” conversations, one of the pastors in the group told us about a marriage weekend his wife and he had been to this past weekend. He said how many people are celebrating their 40^th wedding anniversary when their relationship in basically just going through the motions - "that's endurance, or tolerance, not thriving". They’re not growing in a loving, intimate marriage, talking about and dealing with the important things well, they’re merely surviving, living under the same roof together.

At that point, I felt it deep. I’m not as intentional as I want to be in my marriage. Thinking about Mark’s description of the point system, I realize I have slid into apathy in some areas, not acknowledging some of the things Steve does for me, and definitely not as animatedly as he described that puts a giggle and some fun into the appreciation!

Yesterday, it was cold and windy, but my husband was outside, replacing a starter motor on the tractor, as I was making lunch for him before I ran off to run some errands. Steve thanked me for a wonderful lunch, and expressed concern for me when I said I wasn’t going to eat right then, asking if it was something more than just “not hungry right now”… he took the time to care. I realized this morning I didn’t thank him for the work he did out there in the cold so we could have a working tractor to fix our long gravel driveway and be able to plow before the snow flies! Gratitude and appreciation go a long way toward “oiling” the gears and keep things from grinding uncomfortably in our relationships. If the appreciation isn't there, a key motivation for cooperation fades. Keeping that interaction alive is life-giving. And the more fun you can interject into it the better.

I want to be more intentional today – "Hey, Honey. Thank you for fixing the tractor! Ding!” :-)